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We had so much fun collectively writing this song at Lisandra’s house. (2003)
(Script by Fulana; Lyrics by Fulana and whoever writes songs for J-Lo – read below)


POPE:
I believed in Latin America, but things have changed.

GODFATHER ESTEFAN:
So why do you come to me?

POPE:
I’ve tried everything. But now the Evangelists come with their pamphlets and steal our flock!

GODFATHER ESTEFAN:
Pope, I don’t got all day.

POPE:
I’m sorry, Emilio. I mean! Señor Estefan. Padrino, I’m desperate, I’m broke, I got bad press, I have to win back my public!

GODFATHER ESTEFAN:
Look, Papi, what you need is a Latino saint. One of them, but who delivers your message.

POPE:
Like the Virgin of Guadalupe!

GODFATHER ESTEFAN:
Yes. But a new one. What about the Indian who saw her on the mountain?

POPE:
Juan Diego?

GODFATHER ESTEFAN:
Yes. But with a Crossover-Makeover. If you want to cross over, you need a crossover superstar!

Latinos booming
Shakira’s bleaching
Brown don’t work
Go ask Christina
Everyone’s got to make a living

JUANDI:
Got canonized this year
Went from a peasant to a saint this year
Everybody’s looking at this robe that I wear

LUPE:
You don’t know where you’re going,
you don’t know where you’re from

JUANDI:
Lupe that ain’t fair
Yeah, Why you callin’ me out?
Mija, I love my look,
come everybody, check it out

LUPE (sarcastic):
With you new white skin, you fresh

JUANDI:
Nothing phony with me

You’re the one who’s
selling plastic
Christmas lights on TV

LUPE (chorus):
Don’t be fooled by the props that I got
I’m still, I’m still Lupe from the block
Used to be a secret, now I’m hyped a lot
No matter where I go I know where I came from

(Tepeyac!)

So big deal if my face is on a wok
I’m still I’m still Lupe from the block
I don’t mind the keychains and the flowerpots
No matter where I’m sold, I know where I came from

(Tepeyac!)

JUANDI:
From my native cloak to denim jeans
To tortillas to tattoos to these
Toilet seats

LUPE:
I stay grounded as trademarks roll in
I’m real I thought I told ya

JUANDI:
Better steer clear of Oprah

LUPE:
That’s not me!

JUANDI:
So then honey,
don’t hate on me
just based on what you see

JUANDI (Chorus):
Don’t be fooled by the white skin I got
I’m still, I’m still JuanDi from the block
Used to be an indio, and now I’m not
No matter where I go, I know where I came from

(LUPE: Maybelline!)

JUANDI:
You can diss but just look what it’s brought
White works, just go ask the King of Pop
I hear Michael Jackson wants the tone I got
I’m crossing over, gonna make it to the top

LUPE:
I came down to earth like this
Didn’t play that game
I am not ashamed
I’m brown and proud and loving it

JUANDI:
What about this picture here?
You look just like Britney Spears

LUPE:
Well, you’re as fake as Richard Gere, but
I’m real!

JUANDI:
REAL??

LUPE:
That’s it, you got me seething!

LUPE’S HOMEGIRLS (Chorus):
Don’t come here tryin’ to knock what she’s got
She’s still, she’s still Lupe from the Block
She’s a holy diva but she loves her flock
No matter where we go, we know that she’s with us

JUANDI’S HOMEGIRLS (Chorus):
Don’t be fooled by the fame that you got
It’s all ’cause of Juan de Tepeyac
You used to be a minor virgin, now you’re hot
No matter where you go, he’s the one you owe

LUPE:
It takes hard work to help folks<
Prayers, apparitions, miracles, it’s all exhausting
Got no Vatican White-Out
You went the easy route

JUANDI:
Yeah, you’re just a sell out

LUPE (pissed off):
Boy you just don’t know who to blend with
Just keep it real with the ones you came in with
Like me, la Raza, Mexico
yo show your glow with a halo
mello yello hello
low row in the snow no dough you know, hoooooo!!

Soundtrack stops — everyone’s like “huh?”
[MUSIC STARTS AGAIN]

JUANDI:
You’re a fool, you are so out of touch
I’m the, I’m the new saint on the block
Now I’m at the Vatican I’ve got a shot
No matter what, I’m gonna make it to the top!

LUPE:
I wasn’t born when you saw me on that rock
I was Tonantzin before Tepeyac
You think you’re God’s gift to women but you’re not
And don’t you dare forget that I’m Jesus’ mamma

LUPE:
My powers are ancient and divine

JUANDI:
Is that why you signed with Calvin Klein?

LUPE:
The Aztecs loved me way before recorded time

JUANDI:
And then you changed your name just to make a dime…

LUPE:
Oh shut up! All you humans do is whine.

JUANDI:
Who asked you to come and waste my time?
I got a big interview on Channel  9

LUPE:
Thank God, that means no more stupid rhymes.

[Enter Evangelical Christian, “Have you heard the
word of Jesus Christ today?,” luring the fans away.]